Soaking in hot salt water
Trying to rub some
Feeling
Back into my thighs
Thumbs digging in
Sliding into lines of old muscle
White steam absorbs the remaining smoke that
Moments before
Hung in front of my face
Burn scented wood
Fill room
Remember how to breathe
Never works
This pretence
The mirror out of sight
Useless
I do not need it to know that the face
Looking back is the real me
Staring down pitying this figure
Slippery soaking in a tub too shallow
To even drown
I picture myself as a fiction
like a less fat Orson Welles
Cigar in mouth
Brandy to the side
Only a few years left to go and resigned to
That
Then the steam’s turn to clear
Just enough so the reflection appears
It seems nothing like the fat guy
Nor anything like myself
Traitor
All I thought to be real
Now rinsing off my skin
And draining away
Close window
Inhale steam
Remember how to stay alive
Never works.